Friday, September 27th 2024

a 23-year-old's mini existential crisis

Why did I scream? I’ve seen death before, many times from all sorts of animals, hell I’ve even killed things. Not saying I’m a killer or maybe I am or as much as a child with a dead pet could be. The point is I’m familiar with the concept of death. So why did I scream? At a squirrel no less. Autumn was here, there’s no doubt about it as I looked out on my childhood backyard. It was time to take the dogs out as it usually is. I walked down the steps with Sybill, the big dog and my favorite. When we got down we sprinted to Taz, short for Tazmania, there she stood with her nose to the ground around the tree with the leftover treehouse remnants. I could not be freer in my childhood backyard with my childhood dogs. Sybill approached Taz first, I stood back, watching as Sybill ducked her head to the ground. Curious, I looked closely, before I could fully understand what I was looking at I screamed. It's like my brain already registered what it was, a dead squirrel. Was I afraid? No, I couldn’t be. I stood there five minutes after my dogs spread out. Staring over it, as the wind blew the smell of animal decay and rot around me. Maybe that’s why I had a look of disgust on my face. Death is natural, a part of life, and should be accepted. I had no issue with death, it was the one thing in my life that was controlled and set. I’ve found freedom in the finality of death. My fascination with death isn’t a new thing, I’ve been obsessed with it since I was a child and came to my religious mother crying about how “we’re all going to die”. But that obsession turned into idolization which then turned into romanticization. And by the time I was 16, I was like any other teenage girl. I cannot lie it has become the backbone of my personality; horror films, gothic novels, my occult activities, and more. But now as a 23-year-old (turning 24 in December) my obsession with death has been tamed. No longer am I watching true crime everyday or researching intensely on some new serial killer. What once was a dark and emo teen is now a rom-com-loving, crying over spilled-coffee, young adult. It’s something I never thought would happen, but I’m ok with that. Although I’ve changed so much my roots are still the same.

So why did I scream?

Ok, I can only use so many words to hide from what I’m truly afraid of, yes! I was afraid but not because of the death part but because of how the squirrel looked. The decay is what scared me, I’m ok with death but the idea of my body decaying or not looking this way forever is what scares me. Beforehand every time when I thought about death it was under this blanket that when I died I just ceased to exist or at least my body was just gone. But now as an adult woman, I know that’s not what happens, when you die, unless you ask for a cremation you will be buried and over time you will decay. To the point that you don’t look like yourself anymore. And in time you become unrecognizable… that’s what I’m scared of. I want to become one with everything, trust me I do but at the cost of what makes me, me… I don’t know if I’m ready for that(that will be something we work on later in therapy). I can be vain, selfish, rude, and heartless like any other person, I’m no good guy and I’m not a bad guy, I’m just a girl afraid of becoming nothing.

Is that bad to admit?

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This is a cool little thing I’m thinking about sharing with you guys. On really emotional events I like to do readings, all of that energy really helps with my reading so much so that it’s scary and sometimes hurtful.

Saturday, September 28th, 2024 - Tarot reading

How I read

main characteristic - strength - weakness

lesson you teach - our relationship - the outcome

My reading

5 of blades - the universe - 8 of coins

6 of gourds - 7 of coins - papa coin

this one hit a little too close to home, so I’m not going to out myself