I really don't want to smoke anymore...

to the people that think I stopped smoking because of my parents

I’ve been a stoner for a long time, and when I mean a long time, I mean a looooong time. I grew up with older family members who smoked, so it was easy for me to get a hold of it if I wanted to. I’m not going to out myself on when I started, but let’s just say high school, but College was the official time of my stoner year. For years, I got by smoking when I got too anxious and depressed or just when I felt too much, which was all the time. I drugged myself up so I didn’t have to “feel” the feeling, sort of to say.

Moving back to Detroit, a city that's been legal, well, since forever, I didn’t have to care about drug tests as much as other cities, so this continued into my adulthood. It wasn’t until I got really sick that I took a pause on smoking, not being able to handle the effect of flower and sickness. Around November is when I started slowing down, and when I got deadly sick, I stopped altogether(mind you, right before my birthday). I figured since I lost my job and I knew if I wanted a serious job with a serious check, I’m going to need to straighten up. And bitchhhh, December was the hardest month for me. I only smoked like twice(because of my birthday), and even then, I wasn’t serious about it.

The fact that now I was able to feel all of the feelings I’ve been pushing down for years just came barreling out. I was going through it.

For years, I felt like I slowed down my productivity and creativity because I was too afraid to feel or come across as “pretentious,” “fake,” “emotional,” or anything really. I always wanted to fit in and not stray too far from the people around me, but all that did was put me in a box. Even though me started this publication, I didn’t take myself too seriously. It was just a way for me to post all of my work. But sober me continued with writing about my emotional/life turmoil I’m going through now and has also found other interests that I want to explore.

Instead of just getting high and zoning out from the world, I create and engage with my surroundings.

Over time, I felt like instead of erasing my anxiety, weed made it worse. After I partook, I spent the time relaxing and zoning off that, I could never get any work done. So the projects I wanted to complete were always rushed, late, and not a lot of effort. This, in turn, caused me to have more anxiety with my work. It wasn’t just that, I started to get worried and anxious around everyone and everything. Always scared and paranoid of what others would think about me. I was just stuck in my head with weed, with no escape, and the cycle just kept repeating.

I had to stop.

I’m less worried about doing things, going out, and creating; I’m keeping track of my time and friends, and I have also managed to stay on schedule with the things in my life.

Will I ever smoke again?

Who’s to say? I don’t want to write it off, but I don’t want to make it a habit like it used to be. I want to be present in my life, remembering the moments, people, and secrets. A joint or edible here and there won’t hurt, but every day, I know for a fact I’m done with that lifestyle.